Porn Talk Tips
As parents we have the ability to be proactive. In the following section we will discuss various do’s and don’ts when talking to your kids about the issue of pornography. The goal is to help you in your overall journey as you become more educated in the dangers of pornography, the internet, and the lack of communication between you and your kids.
Do
Map out an appropriate plan.
Talk to kids about sex from a very early age. Establishing an open and honest dialogue with your kids will create an atmosphere where they will come to you with questions. Do not wait until topics like dating and sex become major issues; decide your guidelines early and articulate them. In fact the earlier and more often the better!
Set guidelines for the internet.
Only public chat rooms…
Keep computer in a highly visible area…
Time limits…
Be proactive about helping your teens make healthy choices when they use the internet! Give your kids alternatives on the internet. Resources
Do talk about dangers.
Do talk about the dangers of the internet and pornography
Talk to your kids about their online activities and friends just as you would talk to them about their other activities.
Discuss all avenues where pornography is being found.
Encourage kids to come to you if they come across any material or messages online that make them feel uncomfortable.
Get connected in your kids lives. Know what is happening in the major media that shapes their world. For example browse through Rolling Stone and Entertainment Weekly magazines, watch VH1. Sit down with your kids and watch what they are watching! Sit down at the computer and go right to MySpace, they need to know you know what’s up! If they believe they can pull one over on you they will.
Listen…do not lecture.
- Look at your teen when he or she talks to you. If your eyes are focused somewhere else it will look like your mind is elsewhere too.
- Eliminate distraction. Turn off the TV, etc.
- Listen with eagerness…lean forward.
- Repeat back to them some of the things they said… this is validating and confirming.
Provide a safe atmosphere for your teen to share.
Show your appreciation, let them know you appreciate their sharing. Always build your child up. Compliment them on their wisdom and insight. Conversation Starters
When it comes to pornography talk to teens like adults.
Treat kids with respect and courtesy. Explore with them the differences between normal, healthy sexual expressions and the exploitive and deviant activity that is so prevalent online. Sexual predators live online. They are out to exploit and harm children. Explain to your kids the truth of what is happening today.
Discuss sexual messages in all media. Help your kids understand the impact that the media has on today’s culture through their use of exploitive and degrading images of women and girls.
Check up on them!!!
When talking to your kids about porn in their world they want seven things from you.
- Your full attention
- To be listened to form beginning to end
- For their secretes to be kept
- To express their feelings
- To be asked their opinion
- To hear about your own failures
- To not be made fun of, to be judged or ridiculed
Give these things to them!
Do Not...
Don’t overprotect teens.
Instead, allow them to experience natural consequences. If they break something let them pay for it. Make sure your kids are fulfilling their commitments. This will help them learn the role of discretion in decision making. Do not fix everything for them. If you do, they will never learn what a consequence is and no consequence will be large enough to detour them when it comes time to make serious decisions about pornography. They will easily be swayed to participate in bad behavior simply because they misunderstand or somehow believe that they will not suffer bad consequences for their bad choices.
Don’t run for your life.
When overwhelmed with the dangers of technology and media, some parents “overact” and do not allow any television or computers into their homes. This separation tactic actually ends up backfiring when teens occasionally slip out of the house or when they grow up and escape for good. They can then overload on all the forbidden fruit. Do not freak out! Do not overact! Stay calm and collected when you are talking about sensitive issues.
Don’t interrupt. Even if you are not interested in the subject matter.
Don’t give solutions unless they ask for them!
Don’t crowd teens out of your life.
Make time and space for them. If all you do is talk about you, your day, your work, your problems, kids feel left out and tend to find someone else to talk to or listen to. This may make your kids vulnerable to peer pressure and predators.
Don’t make rules you can’t enforce.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. If not, your word means nothing and they will not respect you.
Don’t be in denial.
Face the truth. Kids today are exposed and they are smart, savvy, and getting more independent everyday. Parents who think their kids do not know how to use a computer are slowly finding out one by one that they do.
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